Marital conflict: the 3 mechanisms that make everything worse (and how to get out of it)

In the couples I work with, conflicts almost always follow the same paths. They seem unique to those who experience them, but their mechanisms are universal: predictable, identifiable... and yet difficult to recognize when one is emotionally caught in turmoil.

If you are going through a crisis, if communication goes off the rails or if each exchange becomes explosive, it is likely that you are caught up in one of these three functions: Rock climbing, The rehearsal, or The withdrawal.
To understand them is already to start taking control again.

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When a couple conflict sets in, nothing is really a coincidence

In moments of fatigue, mental overload, or perceived injustice, everyone reacts with their own protective mechanisms. The problem is that these mechanisms respond to each other: one feeds the other, until creating a spiral that seems impossible to stop.

I see him very often in the office. Couples tell me: “We quarreled again, we don't understand why it gets out of hand every time.” In reality, three dynamics come up again and again. And as long as they are not identified, they feed themselves.

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1. Rock climbing: when everything gets stronger, faster

Rock climbing is the most visible mechanism. It can be loud, intense, theatrical. You can feel “the cursor rising” without being able to stop it.

Here's what I see most often:
— we talk louder, we argue more
— we send longer, more loaded messages
— we are more agitated, we are dramatizing
— we are looking for allies (“You can see that I am not the only one who thinks that”)
— anger, fear, or frustration take control

In these moments, emotional reaction gets out of control faster than rational thinking. We respond to defend ourselves, not to lose, to regain the upper hand.

Why is it a dangerous mechanism?

Because it creates a false sense of control. We think we are acting... but we are reacting.
And each reaction feeds the next.

On a relational level, escalation creates deep wounds.
From a legal point of view, it can become problematic: impulsive messages, hasty decisions, exchanges that are impossible to reread without shame or regrets.

How do you start to get out of it?

By slowing down.
By refusing to answer “hot.”
By setting up a framework: “I will resume this discussion in an hour”, “I need to calm down”.
It's not running away: it's getting back on the wheel.

2. Repetition/stubbornness: when we go on a loop

It is the most subtle mechanism.
He seems calm... but it's a deceptive calm.

Repetition is when you redeploy the same request, the same explanation, the same reproach over and over again, in the hope that one day, the other will “understand”.
It's not bad will: it's a defense mechanism.

We want to be heard.
We want reality to change.
We want to fix something that is beyond our control.

But doing more and more of the same thing never produces a different result.

How do you know if you are inside?

• You repeat sentences that you know by heart
  
  
• You come back to topics that have already been “covered” 20 times
  
  
• You feel a profound injustice that has not been answered
  
  
• You have the feeling of being invisible in your own relationship
  
  
• Your mind goes on a loop, even at night
  
  

Why is it dangerous?

Because repetition locks in.
It gives the illusion of action, but in reality, it blocks all evolution.

In a context of separation or pre-breakup, this mechanism complicates decision-making: we remain frozen, while the situation deteriorates.

Stubbornness can also make mediation difficult, slow down negotiations, or prevent the establishment of a clear legal framework.

The first ways out

Change your point of view.
Ask yourself, “What am I really trying to say?”
Rephrase.
Accept that the other person does not validate everything — but may understand otherwise.
And sometimes, inviting a neutral third party... to finally loosen the grip.

3. Withdrawal: this false appeasement that prepares the explosion

Withdrawal is often seen as a return to calm.
But in reality, it's a silent conflict.

We leave, we isolate ourselves, we don't answer anymore.
We put the subject in the back of our heads... but nothing is resolved.

Withdrawal often appears:

— to avoid violence or escalation
— by extreme fatigue
— so as not to be injured again
— to “stick it out”
— or because we no longer see a way out

The problem is that it creates conflicting sleep.
A volcano that no longer makes noise... but that continues to heat up.

The signs of a conflictual withdrawal

• You no longer respond, or very little
  
  
• You are distracting yourself from important discussions
  
  
• You make decisions alone to avoid confrontation
  
  
• You adopt an apparent neutrality that masks profound suffering.
  
  

Why is this mechanism risky?

Because it pushes partners away, sometimes irretrievably.
Because it creates massive misunderstandings.
And because in a context of separation, it can lead to unilateral decisions with serious consequences: finances, housing, children, daily organization.

To get out of it, you have to put the frame back on

Not necessarily proximity.
From the frame.
A neutral, secure space where subjects can return safely.
This is often where I come in: to structure exchanges, prioritize topics, and make discussions possible without blowing up what is still fragile.

Getting out of the spiral: a possible approach, even when everything seems lost

Most couples think that they should deal with what they are going through on their own.
But when one of these dynamics sets in, it's no longer just a communication problem.
It is a psychological and emotional circle that requires an external perspective.

To get out of the spiral is:

— recognize what is being played
— restore calm where the emotion overflows
— choose what you really want to protect
— decide if you want to repair or separate
— give yourself the means to get through this stage without destroying yourself

It is also accepting that a marital conflict is not a failure.
It's a signal.
A call to reorganize, to rethink, to protect ourselves.

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Do you recognize yourself in any of these mechanisms?

I see it every week: no one can go through a marital conflict alone.
Whether you are on the verge of a breakup, in an ongoing procedure or in a relationship that is running out of steam, there are ways to soothe, clarify, and organize the future.

If you are experiencing escalation, repetition, or withdrawal, let's talk about it.
An initial exchange often allows you to put light where everything seems tangled up — and to protect what matters to you, today and tomorrow.

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